3. Dunedin to Bollywood

I have certainly lost all inhibitions about my ability to write. Wrong! I still have those, but now I no longer care. If it's bad then so be it. It can only get better...Surely?

More to the point is that I simply could not have survived the last few weeks of this course had I not tossed my pride out the window. We are churning out stories (sorry, creative non-fiction), and showing our work to all who can bare to listen, at such a rate that it won’t be long before there simply won’t be any words left in my head to put on the page.

I have written a personal essay about the library, a short story about my dog that died, which made me cry. I can only marvel at how a tiny creature could make such a gaping whole in my life. I have written about killer kangaroos, a suggestion for a doco on the demise of vultures and had to tell my class a story about myself in which I ranted on about the debacle that was my first week in Dunedin. And then there is this pestilent blog which, to my dismay, is growing on me.

However, the most important words I penned this week were those to do with my own documentary.

I have a list of ideas which, thankfully, is getting longer even if it is depressingly slow going. What is more depressing however, was my realisation that I might as well toss them all out the window along with my pride, which is now lying in a muddy pond of Dunedin rain, because they are just not doable unless I acquire a sugar daddy who is willing to foot the extensive bill.

My first documentary idea would involve filming in all the worlds’ nations that have been unfortunate enough to have recently been at war. That would include most of the Middle East, half of Africa, PNG, Timor...the list goes on.

Another idea would involve not only going to Australia to film, but before I could even start the filming I would need to complete a PhD on the 1500 or so species of ant that have not, as yet, been discovered let alone named. They are out there I assure you!

And a third idea would involve either mastering the art of claymation within the month, or employing the services of “what’s his name” who won the Oscar for Harvey Crumpet. The fact that I don’t even know the guys name might be a hint as to how successful that idea will be.

Alas, I have hit a wall. I just can not seem to think of any ideas that my non-existent budget will stretch to. I have thus come to the conclusion that I was right all long. I don't belong here, I belong in Bollywood. There, and only there, do they have the budget and patience to produce my five hour Natural History epic.

2. A Pinch and a...

The sole purpose for me coming all the way to the tiny town of Dunedin was to make a Natural History Documentary. I had visions of lugging a camera up mountain sides and down steep canyons to capture award winning footage that would be screened the world over. However, as I discovered the other day I will be spending, at least some of my time, building a blog to document my journey from documentary dreamer to doer.

Here begins my tale.

It was day one and our task was to reveal to the rest of the class just how bad our creative non-fiction writing skills were (writing being the key to all good docos), by going to the main library, observing the comings and goings and then writing 400 words on the whole experience.

I felt like I was being dragged kicking, screaming and biting my lecturers arm into the deep end. "I don't know anyone in the class yet! Can't we wait just a bit, get to know people, learn more about the art of creative writing before we actually have to do the unthinkable and open ourselves up to scrutiny"! My silent protests went, of course, unheeded and so I wrote. Nothing beats fear as a motivator!

Writing the story was a breeze compared to emailing the thing to the rest of the class. I broke out in a sweat just at the thought of it. Would mine be up to standard? Or would I have to finally admit that I was in the wrong place?

The following morning I waited to go into class, eyes cast down too terrified to look at anyone in case I caught them stifling a giggle. In fact, everyone was unusually quiet. Then from out of the huddle of miserable faces someone turned to me and said "I loved your story". What? Had I just heard correctly? Surely not? Is she pulling my leg? I am sure I detect a hint of sarcasm! Luckily from somewhere in the fog of confusion, exhilaration and utter disbelief I managed to produce a "thank you".

Later, one or two others also remarked that they thought mine was one of the best. "Ok guys now I'm just getting a big head"!

My lecturer's response was not so, well let’s say, positive. "It's clever," he said not sounding too convinced. "But a little cheaty". "CHEATY"! After feeling so relieved that my classmates had liked my work and having begun to feel just ever so slightly confident that I was not a total dunce and that maybe, just maybe, I was in the right place, his comment was like an ice cold knife in the ribs.

Normally, such a comment would have caused me to crumple under its weight and without psycho therapy I would never have managed to recover to my full size, all five foot of it, but this time something inside clicked.

Whether it was the praise of my classmates (I would just like to take this moment to thank them), or just me getting older I don't know, but instead I just casually raised an eyebrow and allowed a delicious thought to come to mind: in a perfect world, I would simply lean across the table and pinch him.

1. Blog Boffin

I am now officially a Blogger! It's a status I would never have imagined gaining given that I have a serious aversion to anything with more than an ON and OFF button: I don't do mobiles, I don't drive...much, and only learnt this year what a Gig was, yet I have just taken, albeit one tiny step for most, but one giant leap for me, into the blogger sphere.

Not by choice, I assure you! The order to BLOG came from above (my lecturer), and the reason given was that this was an excellent opportunity to start practicing our writing - an essential skill for any budding Natural History Filmmaker. Like hell!

I came here to film cute Kiwis, regal Whales and slothful Sea lions. Yet I find I am to spend the year keeping a blog on the progress of making my Natural History documentary.

My dreams of coming to the land of the long white cloud to become the next David Attenborough are totally shattered.

The second thought that came to my mind when I was told to create a blog divulging to the entire Blogger sphere, not only what my movie is going to be about, but just how fabulously, or not, it is progressing was "Not a chance pal"! Reveal my idea, which I might add is a bonza, to all and sundry? You have got to be kidding!


So Bloggonians, (what do you call people who read Blogs?) I invite you to follow the trials and tribulations of a wannabe doco maker, but you will just have to wait for the premiere, at Cannes, to find out what exactly it is about.